Wednesday, September 27, 2000

Really looking for a computer now, because with Tod doing homework on his I couldn't get on at all. He was writing a paper and I was kind of standing around, waiting for him to go to the bathroom. It has to be small since I don't actually have any room in this apt. Even my clothes are split up between andy and tod's closets. The rest of my stuff is in storage -- and I like it. I don't miss it at all. Just me, some rags, and a computer, is all I need.

Friday, September 22, 2000

couple of days since last blog, and some things to report.

Layed out with Laura at apt roof a little today. Wearing: the yellow bikini. Tod and Andy kept coming up to give us drinks and food. Too much wind. Laura said, about the guys, "You have them so well trained." Andy stuck around to scan the windows of the other buildings. He wanted us to consider that people could see us. Laura said, "You mean, like some college guy standing over us and blocking our sun?" It got rid of him right away. But of course I was watching all the windows. Laura just laughed at me and played keep-away with my top. Later the super came up and chased us off.

The other day, Tod said that he and andy can think of me romantically, or not at all. Romantic won't work, not at all won't work. He said I could possibly be just 'the hot girl on the couch.' And I was all, just deal with it, i don't want to hear about it. Tod reads my, Andy doesn't. He said, "So lust is okay, but no love." It's his discursive, rehearsed lecturing that ticks me off. I force a big smile and nod insanely until he freaks a little and goes to his room. Tod -- I wasn't mad, I just don't want to talk about this stuff.

I say I want to be an actor, but I don't go to tryouts. I don't know the first thing about all this. In school, you could visit the bulletin boards. I came away without learning a single thing about the business. I'm comfortable just maintaining. Why do this in new york, if I'm just coasting? I'm just engineering myself into a colossal tease, and it's way too interesting and diverting. Andy was right.

Case in point. Work tonight was dull, wearing: trusty torn jeans (laura calls them my lucky jeans) and loose croptop. i say loose because i was an idiot again and didn't think how I'd be bending over all night and giving people flashes. Nobody noticed, only laura said something about a bra. I don't need a bra! I'm not so lucky. Tom tells me I have to to wear the cowboy outfit tomorrow and hand out flyers in front of the bar for 1/4 my shift.

Sunday, September 17, 2000

Am sooo getting heat from tod about always being on his computer. And waking him up playing online (in his room) when I come home from work. Says, "in principle I don't mind girls just walking into my room at night. In practice I can't get any f%^&* sleep." S. signing off and running out of room.
Long night last night. Brought my cowboy outfit to the bar in a bag... it made for an easier commute, but then I had to change under the watchful gaze of Tom in the office (used to be a kitchen). To his credit he didn't really stare, but he didn't avert his eyes either, and he left halfway through, but it was trippy scrabbling around for clothese listening to footsteps outside the door and snatches of screamed conversation &etc. It's way less nervewracking to change at home, and since the weather is getting colder now I can cover up with a jacket. Still made good tips, even if little creepy/ticklish letting these guys stick money down my pants. Laura for once is jealous, ha!

I reread the last post about the fire escape and I come off too cool. I've been roommates for 2 months and I'm already fucking it up. I guess the girl on the couch is irresistable to college boys.

I think there are a few ways I can handle Andy. I can turn him off by taking away all my mystery. This means bringing home dates, showing all my bad habits, or just deliberately treating myself cheaply. But then he would be all quiet and judging. Not that I have much mystery that I can see; besides, I've been taking pains to be as unselfconscious as possible around them. I was fat 1/2 my life, and it's hard for me to even *consider* being uncomfortable with myself, now that I'm in shape. I don't want to be an "eek, a man!" sort of girl in my own apt.

In some ways I like Tod more, because he is colder and doesn't make a secret about what he wants with me. Thus he lets me laugh it off, because it's out in the open. I have a strange dynamic with my roommates. We're still settling in.

Brilliantly I go to Tod and tell him the problem. Tod said he could take care of it. BUT he gets to pick out my clothes for the bar one night. I grin because this is exactly Tod. He says, "There's this thing about your showers and running around half naked." This is a problem? I ask, all incredulous. He wants to know if he and Andy make me uncomfortable. I ask do I SEEM uncomfortable? He says they've been holding back.

Wearing: pj's. Tank top, miniskirt and clogs to go food shopping.

Saturday, September 16, 2000

Fraaday! Laura laughed at me tonight because I finally showed up wearing: little white hiphugger hotpants, bikini straps showing, and my yellow bikini top. She said in the future I should change at the bar, and she and tom wanted to know about my subway ride. In fact, it was pretty interesting in the "don't meet anybody's eyes" department. Packed into the 6 train like sardines and me like a wet dream in a cowboy hat and a micro backpack, trying to ignore the conversations around me. But I wasn't about to give out details. Laura also had a cowboy hat, and filling out our wild west motif, Micky was wearing a bandana on her neck. I've always liked choker-type stuff.

Everyone was pretty impressed with the black panties and white pants. In truth I hadn't thought about it. Tom was wondering if it was too much, can he be believed. Laura debated the other side and said the pants were too thin to go without. Apparently nothing was left to the imagination. I'd last worn them in college as a joke, my 'lucky finals' pants. They hadn't gotten nearly so much attention. This prime discussion went on for at least twenty minutes, until a guy stuck a tip in the bikini straps. Then I was some kind of genius.

Friday, September 15, 2000

I'm going to work hard to buy a computer. Okay acting classes too. A laptop ibook apple computer, becuase they're cute. Tod hassles me too much for computer time. Mom and Patrick are flying me back to AZ soon and I don't want to be offline.

So I'm out of the shower, sitting outside the window (wearing: towel) and Andy comes up to act all fatherly: You're going to fall into the street. I say, "I'm only here to get cool."

Actually (it emerges) he's worried about my career path. Men are cruel and nasty and I won't get any respect the way I treat myself. I feel a sinking inside; i know where this is going. Men aren't this or that unless you make them so, and I don't want him to treat me like a protectorate. I'm older than him by 2 years (he's still in college). In short, I guess, lust is okay but he can't love me.

While we're talking I let the towel slip a little bit, and he jumps back like I'm a rattle snake. I can't help but smirk, and say, "I'm totally in control all the time." I'm so cold about it, and he is kind of awestruck.

To get him back for last night, I said, "Could i BE any more naked on the fire escape?"

Thursday, September 14, 2000

I was wandering thru the streets yesterday and decided to go to a commercial casting call before work. I show up and there are a bunch of girls running around in bathing suits. I'm supposed to be displaying my pantyline, and the solution they offered was to drop my jeans (same worn jeans) and talk with the casting folks in my panties and bra. Not bad enough, this was in a big open public room, with a crowd. I didn't feel like doing this, and took off, feeling like a failure. If you know the chaos of these things you won't think I'm stupid: I don't even know what the commercial was about.

Work was cool. There was a hot guy at the bar who talked to me a lot. I wanted him ON me. In 30 mins he went away but left a good tip. Wearing: jeans (unbuttoned and rolled down below hips so tom would leave me alone), showing hint of panties b/c i'm HOT. Light black top with buttons. I'm left mulling that if I'd undone more buttons, cute talky guy might have stayed around longer. I'm a rocket scientist to figure that out. Like I need to date.

Andy and Tom drop by with friends and rag on me for being the "nun of the bar." Embarass me with Laura by saying, "She runs around naked in the apartment all the time, and thus has to dress UP to be a sexy barmaid." They were funny, too, doing Chandler (friends) runs like: "Can she BE any more frumpy?" I'm supposed to comp them drinks while they do this, filling up the waitress station.

Tuesday, September 12, 2000

Bar. I noticed Laura dodge a squeeze because she knows what's coming. She was making lots of friends tonight, hugging guys and posing for pictures. I could do what she does. In fact, guys try to make conversation with me all the time.

Laura was talking about how we should do special things to get the crowd excited. She spread her arms and sort of shimmied and said, "For instance, in a bikini we can do body shots." We discussed what they do at other bars, and wondered if we could pull it off. We are now a predominantly female bar in terms of staff. Of course Tom is all for this, and said he would type up some suggestions(!!). No comment.

Still getting heat from Tom. Talked to the owner and he said what I wear is up to me. That said, I'm not against Laura's outfits. I am NOT jealous and I'm NOT thinking it'll make more tips. I could ask Andy and Tod for wardrobe help like I usually do, but I'm sure they'd put me in a fishnet bodystocking or something. And then Tom would be forever on me to wear it again, or make a cutoff version. It is strange, that this otherwise normal guy will argue for 20 minutes to get you to unbutton your blouse. Wearing: same jeans again, cambray work shirt tied up and sometimes even buttoned.

An older man at the bar said he could cast me. I made an interested sound, and then he asked if I was okay with nudity. I said sure, on the theory that it's good to get a foot in the door. I wouldn't let him rule me out before he saw me act. I've been nude in some student films and 2 plays. Assuming a high sleaze content, I realized that I could still make some good contacts through the bar.

Sunday, September 10, 2000

I like the ripped jeans concept, so I've been picking at them all day. I did get some already used ones, but they're totally trashed and I'm wondering how legal they are to wear in public. And besides, aren't ripped jeans so 80's?

Yahoo doesn't give me help in the acting dept, but then I haven't studied too hard. I really don't feel like running around town to a bunch of auditions. I guess I'm supposed to, though.
At the bar again, getting into the groove. I took more breaks and everything was more bearable. There was a fight that totally freaked me out for some reason. I heard some screaming and looked up and saw THREE guys whaling on each other, and suddenly I couldn't breathe. I went to the office (the old kitchen) and just cried, with manager staring at me in terror.

I've seen fights before, and my baseline reaction is "oh well, someone's going to get hurt."

Meanwhile, Laura was wearing a string bikini top, like she was pulling some kind of coyote ugly thing. Needless to say she got all the attention. Whenever she stopped she had people 2-deep around the bar, guys AND girls. The worst part is that our relationship was like diva vs serving-wench: she was letting me take the worst people (What's your name? Make me a frozen margarita. What's in a Rob Roy?). I tell myself, can it be just the clothes? She's being the diva, I'm supposed to be the wench, taking unglamorous jobs so she can preen around. Laura is a nice person, on the whole. Tom (manager, name changed to protect noninnocent) getting on my ass about not looking like the others. Wearing: black tank top, bra, same jeans as yesterday.

Saturday, September 09, 2000

All fucking day at the bar. Wearing: my ripped jeans and white v-neck t-shirt; paisley underthings. Laura got squeezed (someone reaching over the bar and groping her) and almost left. Everything is about how you look, and/or how people relate to you. What makes me the most sad are the guys who look uncomfortable in the bar. They're supposed to be out viking, or killing wooly mammoths. But now they're supposed to make small talk. It's not fair.

Went into this giggle fit w/ laura when someone ordered "scotch, straight up and on the rocks." Oh -- when I left for work today. As I stepped out the door, Andy was harassing Tod about ME. As in, "Doesn't she have any self respect at all?" I didn't hear everything, but Andy had a whiney tone and Tod, bless his heart, started laughing. Thanks andy, but I have enough self respect to fill a largeish pickup truck. I can wear what I want.

Took off at one-ish, a 13 hour shift.

Friday, September 08, 2000

Wow. I just caught the MTV Video Music Awards 2000 and I am way unimpressed. Am *I* crazy? Did it seem like a bunch of people with microphones were shouting at the same time, for 3 fucking hours straight? An unbroken, unremitting wall of sound?

And who taught them to speak? Musicians and announcers took the mike, paused dramatically, and said, "Uh...." Or, alternatively, they said, "Ehhh...." I mean, c'mon. Did you really claw your way up the musician food-chain, stomp on the weak, and agonize over who to fuck over... years of sweat and toil, just to take a mike and say, "Uhhh...."? How empty can you musicians be? Managed, stroked and chopped into sound bytes for their whole life, musicians aren't the sharpest pencils in the box. Why do they get to go on stage and talk?

What about quality issues? Why were two announcers talking at the same time? Why does MTV wait until the night of the show to introduce these co-announcers to each other? Robert Dinero stumbled across the stage looking like they just woke him up. Thanks, Ben Stiller, for rescuing him! Didn't it seem nicer and more polite when Lisa Kudrow was hosting a year (two?) ago? Civility is dead!

Wearing: pj's.

Thursday, September 07, 2000

I plan to stay in today. I'm starting at the bar again tomorrow, which is always completely exhausting. I'm not looking forward to it in the least. I just want to flop around, take a dozen showers, read, stretch, etc. Play on tod's computer.

Wearing: tank top + undies and very comfortable, until Tod told me to put on more clothes. Andy and Tod's friends are here, supposed to be studying, but were really just watching tv and talking to me.

Now i'm in Tod's stinky room looking through the Vlilage Voice for anything interesting for an ac-tor. I wonder if I can go for real shows with no experience, or do I really have to fill my resume first. I mean, wherethefuck did Mena Suvari come from? How long did she plug away before her break? Whats it take to be the IT girl, is what I'm wondering.
Wearing: t-shirt. Rabbit slippers.
.have read blogs, and now I know how to punctuate

i also know how to indent my links / poems. please please please not to capitalize the text writing.
  reading too
  many web web
   web web logs. Do
   you think so?

What does this bebe have that I don't? clicky clicky. A plain grl but in the game with a one-word name like "Shiraz." It's like "Simone." Prolly just as fake. IN this picture she looks like me, but what's with the 50% of the Ford models having a single word name!? Cannot we differentiate ourselves with a 3-word name? I'm thinking something like Si Mo Ne.

Wednesday, September 06, 2000

Just wasted waaay too much time trying to give my jeans the "worn" look. Standing in the shower with andy's flea comb (for dogs, not that we have dogs) trying to get them thready and with some holes. It worked not at all, and I wonder now why / where I read about this technique. Tomorrow I'm going to find some used jeans. It's a work related expense.

Why does tod's computer throw up a zillion error messages every time I do something? Am i magic?
Slept in today. Woke up with Andy and Tod (roommates) in my space. Standing over me eating cereal, because I was on the couch. Had to rush.

Today had tryout for a play, in brooklyn. There were only three up for my part, we were sitting on these cheapo plastic and aluminum-pipe chairs in bright light, auditioning in a hallway. Something inside me was screaming 'porn interview!' Cheap theater is sooo cheap. I was embarassed and inward thinking, and nobody was telling me what was going on.

Wearing: comfy docs, high on the thighs tartan wraparound skirt, strapped white top. I would've worn something not so teasy but Andy and Tod told me what to wear, and to act saucy at the audition. I was too nervous to act "saucy". Dunno if I got it, but I did manage to knock some papers off the desk. Now I'm back and playing on tod's computer.

I'm already bored just reporting my days. And I'm on day 1. My will not last.
My log, it is ME, Simone! NYC grl becoming a star. I want this to be half Brigitte's Diary and 1/2 new experiences in NYC. I came to NY from Arizona for college, and while I was here I was in a lot of student plays and productions. I realized it's what I want, and english lit not so much. Looking at my past posts, I apparently can't spell or grammarify stuff anyways.

I'm in control of my spelling, but I am pretending to be completely out of control for dramatic effect. Actually I'm just lazy, and thus I don't want to hear about my spelling.
We work! Happy days I'm sooo getting kicked off this computer by roommate Tod. Reading logs for hours and I know precisely what I want to say about myself. Tod say hi:

qdasfdgr f dasl

Good dog, Tod. He wants me to erase this.
Are we working, blog prog?